When you see them it makes it real.
In three and a half years four people that I went to high school with have died. Every time it becomes someone even closer to me. I couldn’t even comprehend the fact that Jonathan was gone. When my mom first told me, I thought she was lying, or maybe even joking. I know she wouldn’t do something like that, but I just didn’t want to believe it was true. Then when I saw him lying there today, it all became real, too real. He was the last person I ever expected to have to attend their viewing. He was so full of life, and just an all around good guy. I think the hardest part is not knowing the reasons for his death. I’m sure when his mom told him goodnight she didn’t ever think that’d be the last time she saw her son. His death hit me much harder than I expected, and I’m not even sure why. I couldn’t even cry about it, all week I just felt numb. Then today, when I walked in and his mom hugged me, and my mom tried to pull me towards the casket, I lost it. I couldn’t handle seeing him there. I just started balling. He didn’t look like himself at all. I’ve had this sick feeling all day, a nauseating headache. I tried sleeping it off, I ended up dreaming about him. I can’t even imagine how his parents are feeling. He was so young. His death has definitely made me rethink things. I know young age doesn’t eliminate you from dying, but it just seems so unfair and so surreal that someone so young is dead, someone in perfect health, who didn’t do drugs or anything. Its made me miss my old friends, and made me wish that I’d been spending more time with them. I’m going to be making some changes in my life. Everyone keeps telling me that God has this plan, and that he’s in control of everything, and that for some reason he chose to take Jonathan. I use to believe that, fully. I use to believe that everything happened for a reason, and that no matter how bad it was, it was in God’s infinite plan. I’m not sure if I believe that now. Am I suppose to believe that God took him from us? I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel confused. Confused and lost.
